News: Microsoft unveils Mindsuck

2006
01.22

Outlining once again his company’s vision for the future, Bill Gates announced on January 4th that “he dreamed of a day when people could watch the news before it had in fact taken place.” His announcement was made when he took the stage at the Consumer Electronics Show in front of a packed house. He went on to unveil the Microsoft Three Stage process to develop their new software, entitled Microsoft Mindsuck.

“Technology has developed so fast in the past,” Gates said as he addressed the crowd of mostly Microsoft employees. “But even now that news feeds update our view of the world faster than ever, it is still just not fast enough to allow a suitable reaction time to those events. Today I will unveil the next generation of news.” The founder of the Microsoft empire went on to say that there was only one direction the company could go and that was to extract the knowledge motives and intentions of the human population before they had made news. Analysis of this data would yield “reliable and rich information, coded as Microthoughts”. “For the good of mankind, give us your minds” he asked to a standing ovation.

The new technology will allow Microsoft and their subscribed users to access formatted thoughts from their wireless devices as well as from their desktops, in addition to getting updates on new thoughts making news.

Some industry watchdogs have raised their ears at this latest announcement, saying that they had concerns over the privacy issues involved in Microsoft sucking out people’s thoughts directly from their heads. Gates had an answer to these critics “We know this is a radical new vision and it’s a difficult adjustment to make. We’re not asking you to change your minds straight away. Just give us your minds and let us change them for you.”

It is not the first time Gates has used this venue as an announcement of big things to come. Last year, he stood on the same stage and unveiled the revolutionary idea of a version of Windows which was secure and bug-free. This year though the announcement has the added attraction of possibly succeeding. Experts have been unanimous in agreeing that mind reading technology is not so futuristic any more.

Michael Martin, Professor of Computer Science at the University of Colorado commented on the announcement, saying it was “an inevitable step in the technological journey that we are all taking together”. Professor Martin added “at first I was unsure, but after we helped Microsoft with some early beta-trials, suddenly I was very sure.”

“We must not run from this brave new world and we must not fight it,” Gates concluded. “Mindsuck and the patented Microthought technology will secure a wonderful information rich future for Microsoft and thus the world.” He stressed that just because Microsoft would control all thoughts had by human beings all over the world, they would all be freely accessible through the company website for a nominal fee.

News about the announcement has generated a surge of activity in the technology sector, spawning new companies seeking to use Microthoughts in their applications. Gary Scholts, founder and director of HeadSpace.com has intentioned his desire to allow for a search cabability, whereby users can search their own heads to find forgotten thoughts or thoughts they may have in the future. Microsoft have not yet commented on their intention to share their technology. “We are still at the early stages” Gates advised. “For now we are just thinking of your thoughts, and that they may be our thoughts too.”

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