I recently discovered a personality flaw I have and I’m wondering if anyone else has it. I wouldn’t consider it a huge problem, only that it may well manifest itself in other ways as it did last Thursday on the bus.
The queue for the bus outside the Namdaemun market
I was heading home from school. I’d taken the bus at Gwanghwamun and there had been no people on it at the time, so I secured a good seat. The bus traveled past Seoul Station and Namdaemun Market before heading up the hill towards my place. At the market, the bus always fills up with old people. Namdaemun seems to be a market aimed at old people exclusively, as there is nothing there that anyone under 50 would be caught dead wearing. The curious thing is, most of the old people who board the bus there aren’t carrying anything. Perhaps it’s just a place to go to hook up with other old people. Who knows, but for the sake of the story let’s just take it that there were a good deal of old people on the bus this day.
Normally, in polite social circles, a young man should get up and let an older person sit down. This much is common knowledge. But there is a certain amount of leeway here. For age is such a relative thing. Someone may look sixty or seventy, but could actually be much younger, or a much younger person may have difficulty standing for some reason of health or circumstance. You have to make a quick decision as to their relative age and need. So here I was, enjoying my seat, but weighing up the woman who had shuffled into my vicinity, who seemed about 50, give or take a decade. I must have pondered this for a minute or so because I noticed we had already ascended the hill and were about three stops from mine.
Now here is where I feel my defect in personality shows itself. I call it a defect, maybe it’s too strong. Perhaps it’s an advantage, a knack for slicing through the bullshit. However it may seem, I’ll admit to feeling a little guilty when I caught myself thinking it. For up to this point, I had purely honorable intentions. I assumed that my desire was to help this old lady sit down and take a load off. Wasn’t that my desire?
I started to get up when another thought hit me. If I was to get up now, I would naturally move toward the door. The woman who took my place would assume that I had vacated my seat due to the fact that I was getting off. She would not notice until later, maybe never at all, that I had in fact got up early on her behalf. I would be giving up my seat and not getting any recognition for this fact.
Ok let me stop you right there. I know, I’m a monster. Giving up your seat to a person older than you is not something you should seek praise for. But think about it. When you do give it up you do it in an obvious way don’t you? A little bow, a gesture, maybe you add “please, sit down” and smile. Why did you do that? It’s not necessary. Except that it makes you look good. If you were truly selfless you would get up, pretending that you had somewhere else to be and let the seat speak for itself.
The typical everyday scene inside the 402 bus
That was my dilemma. On the one hand she was old, on the other hand not really that old. She had just got on, I was soon to get off. I’d give my seat, but would not get credit even if I did the song and dance because too much time had passed already. I was in the no-man’s land of etiquette. Life isn’t always clear cut. Sometimes you have to make a choice you’re not proud of later. In the choice between getting up with no credit and enjoying my seat, I chose the latter.
Feel free to tell me what a bad person I am. I can’t help but agree. But next time you’re giving up your seat for someone older, giving your little bow, smiling your sympathetic smile, ask yourself how much of that was really necessary and how much was just for that little rush of self-indulgent pride you got when they thanked you. Just how selfless are you really?
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