Archive for the ‘Tongue In Cheek’ Category

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Drug Rooms


2007
09.18

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I recently had a dream where I visited a safe-injecting room. It was so vivid, it was as though I was there. I dreamed I was walking down a steep staircase, into a basement. There was blaring music coming from speakers around the walls and people were everywhere, laughing, shouting, all seemingly high on something. The place was dark, but lights flashed around and I saw people throwing their bodies about to the music. I tried to find a place to sit, and I managed to get one by the counter. I looked next to me and saw a guy preparing to take another hit of his preferred toxin. He leaned back, as it took it’s effect and then slumped down on the bar. I checked to see that he was breathing, and he was. The man behind the counter offered me a hit of various substances. I said no, I don’t take drugs, but then he kept insisting and telling me that they were all good. I had to leave. I felt myself suffocated by the atmosphere of the place, my heart beating rapidly against the throbbing music and bodies all around me, my soul dirtied by this dirty little cavern of drugs. Someone spilled their poison on me, and I finally ran out of the place and back home. That’s when I woke up. It was awful.

That night, I was so stressed by the dream that I needed to relax. I went to a bar with a few friends and we got totally wasted. Bazza did tequila shots all night and puked in a pot plant, while I did one too many Jagermeisters and made out with an ugly chick before passing out on the bar. In all, an awesome night and boy did I sleep soundly. Not once did I think about those drugged up people in that cramped little space, all making themselves high and losing control. Thank god for alcohol!

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Outside the Box


2007
04.23

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Here in the West, we tend to let ourselves operate within the bounds of social rules. Things like ‘legality’ and ‘safety’ take up way too much of our thoughts, blinding us from a truer and more enlightened existence. We label things, give them guidelines and state the maximum occupancy. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough.

It’s time to think outside the box people, time to free our minds from the mental slavery that is commonly referred to as ‘social order’. Let’s live free, do what we really want and fit as many people in our vans as is humanly possible.

Think your bus has a lot of people on it?The scary thing is, it's really only half-full

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Time


2006
11.13

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It’s a Sunday night. I’ve been sitting at my computer for more hours than I care to recall. I stand up. I walk over and open the fridge. Nothing inside. The sight discomforts me, so I go to the local supermarket to find something to put inside it. I walk the aisles and visualize all of the shelved items chilling out in my white box. Nothing seems necessary to me. I buy a bottle of water and some milk and go back. I realize that what I need is not a lot of stuff to put inside my fridge but really just a smaller fridge. Milk, butter and some cans of drink would fill it and I’d feel better.

Then I recoil in horror. What am I doing? I’m worried about my fridge. Why should I even bother with nonsense like this. In the grand scheme of things, the contents of a certain cold place ain’t going to play a large role. Besides, I eat out every day and I like it that way. However it got me thinking. How necessary was anything I had done that day? I pondered it hard.

There was the morning. Always my least favorite of the various segments of the day. To me, mornings always move too fast, or I move too slow. I try to get myself together, but what with the shower, breakfast, clothing and stumbling around in a daze, I find that I just can’t be ready in any reasonable time. I’ve found that I just can’t break that hour or so of dead time where I prepare myself to face the world. Just thinking about it makes me want to hide under my doona again. On this particular day I had woken late, around 11:30 and so breakfast had to become lunch, and lunch had to be eaten out because there was nothing in my fridge that could reasonably be eaten. So I had gone out, ordered and spent another hour of dead time filling my stomach.

To me, eating has always been something of a pain. There’s the finding of the food, the preparing of the food, the actual eating of the food and then there’s the cleaning up. It’s all just too much trouble. Give me a pill of nutrition and I’ll show you a happy Dave. This is the reason I eat out. It simplifies all of the stages of the consumption process. You find the restaurant and the item on the menu, prepare it by telling the waiter or waitress what you want, eat it (not much of a change there) and then feel bad for whoever is washing up. If you ask me, this is still far too much time wasted on eating.

Then there was the rest of the day, during which I stared at the computer. Don’t ask me what I was doing. It’s not because I don’t want to tell you, it’s just because I don’t remember exactly what it was. At the time it was quite interesting. There was that video of a guy playing the piano and drums at the same time, but edited together in a process known as still motion video. That was funny. Then I must’ve watched a TV show, yes I think that was it. The rest, well, that was a blur. Looking back, I wonder why I chose to throw away those hours of my life. But not just those hours. What about all those TV shows, movies and games. I have no skills or knowledge from them which will do me any good. Was I just putting off living for all those hours. I’ve watched 24 seasons 1,2,3 and 4. That’s 4 whole days gone on just one TV show! I stopped thinking about it for fear of falling to the floor in despair.

Was I covering up my boredom by filling my time with meaningless stuff? Yes, I think I was. But if that was really true, then what meaningful thing might I do with this time? Were I Leonardo Da Vinci, I might paint a portrait or invent a new machine or study the inner workings of the human body. Not wanting to go to extremes, I thought of something more real-world, something more like my own life. I might work on a new design for my website or write a new blog entry. Surely though, this is just wasting time in a different way. It’s creatively wasting time. I suppose creative wasting is better than inactive, passive wasting. But what about creatively finding new ways to waste your time? Someone might just say that you were sitting around in your underwear watching movies all day but what you’re really doing is “studying the literary styles that the writer has used to craft the work”. Your mum tells you that it’s about time you stopped wasting time on “that stupid YouTube site”, tell her to hold off on that judgment. What you’re really doing is “analyzing” pop culture and social trends which influence the culture of tomorrow. When someone complains that you have seen the same news item three times in a day and feverishly check your social news bookmarking sites like a junkie, tell them you’re just “keeping yourself informed” of the latest in world developments. And of course, when your wife or girlfriend complains that you drink every night and come home stinking of booze at 3 in the morning, well you’re just “socializing” with friends aren’t you?

I called my friend.
“Hey, what do you do when you aren’t working or studying or eating…. or showering or traveling somewhere?” I said.
“Uh David? Is that you?”
“Yes it’s me. So what do you do?”
“Uh, I guess I watch TV or meet my friends…”
“Ah-ha! A waste of life!”. I said and hung up.

Not satisfied with just one, I called another friend and delivered the same question.
“Um…” came the reply.
“Come on! And not TV or friends, I’ve already had those two.”
“I play with my dog.”
“Pah! A meaningless waste of affection!”

Next… “I write poetry”
Ha! A self-indulgent waste of paper, worse for the pain it will inflict upon it’s eventual reader.

Next… “I like to shop”
Consuming in a mindless attempt to avoid looking at the advent of your death.

Next… “I started a company in my spare time and made myself a millionaire”
Gimme a break! That’s just work. I said not work!!!

At this point I ran out of friends who would submit to my interrogation. But that was fine because I had my answer. Everyone wastes time. Well, ok, some people don’t and make money from their efforts, but mostly everyone does at some point. You might think that you’re productive and don’t have time to waste, but it will get you in the end. You’ll give in, you’ll see a movie, you’ll read an article that isn’t completely relevant to your end-goal and that will be it, a downward spiral of use and abuse as the hours turn into days and you blindly hide away from the fact that you are in fact throwing your life away until you’re just a quivering heap of consumption, lying on the floor.

And as you pick yourself up and check your empty fridge for the fifth time that day, you won’t worry because you know that deep down, everybody does it. Even if no-one will admit it.

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A Letter 26 Years in the Making


2006
05.10

Posted in Current Events, Rants, Tongue In Cheek | No Comments »

On Tuesday, a letter was made available to the press by the United Nations. Written by the President of Iran and addressed to George W, it was a significant gesture as there has not been any contact between the two nation’s presidents since 1979.

In the letter, the Iranian leader not so much attacks Western Liberalism and Bush’s policies (not that those are in any way the same thing), but rather sounds like he is giving Bush a lecture. “Those with insight can already hear the sounds of the shattering and fall of the ideology and thoughts of the liberal democratic systems,” writes the President. He seems to take an almost rhetorical style and one may surmise that he wrote it for a wider audience than just Bush. Mind you, he may have just dumbed down the language so that they guy might understand it.

He went on to say: “We increasingly see that people around the world are flocking towards a main focal point that is the Almighty God,” he wrote. “Undoubtedly through faith in God and the teaching of the prophets, the people will conquer their problems. My question to you is: ‘Do you want to join them?’ ”

I find it interesting that in the midst of turmoil and wars based upon ideology and creed, that he might think that more ideology is the solution. Especially when it is his religion that is so strongly divided. If one Allah worshipper wants to kill the other Allah worshipper over the same Quran, then maybe it’s time to step back and consider what religion is really doing to the world. I don’t believe it’s sacred, I don’t believe that it is above criticism, I believe that all religions have a duty to protect their own views in the face of reality. Religions don’t encourage development, but rather stagnation. Whether they have good intentions or not, religions with their imams, preists and clerics want to strap us to a moment in time and impede any development of mind or soul.

The Catholic Church is all smiles and laughs now, but let’s not forget that were it not for the deaths of so many who fought for more freedom, we would still be in the midst of medieval suffrage. “But what about the inquisitions, the tortures, the killings in the name of God?” you may ask your local priest. “Oh that. They were dark times, but now everything is ok. Those bad guys have been removed, are deceaced and we’re all nice. Especially now that we have removed all the paedophiles.” But all you have to do is give the Church a little voice, a little power and see how they use it. Stamp on stem cell research (potentially saving and repairing a multitude of lives), stamp on euthenasia (allowing someone to choose to end their own life), stamp on contraception (preventing unwanted pregnancies), stamp on criticism (and Da Vinci Code is just a novel!). Most religions desire to keep mankind in the exact same place and tell everyone what is good and what is bad. Like I said, it might be well-intentioned, but those same intentions inevitably lead to conflict and unfortunately, war.

But back to the letter. I think this letter presents a unique opportunity for Bush and his speechwriters to respond. It’s a real chance to finally throw open a debate about what the West is trying to achieve and our view of them. There is hardly any dialog between the Middle East and the West which is intelligent and which doesn’t involve guns. The lines are open now, and it’s important to use them.

It would be better that Bush write it down too, that way he can put it through a spell checker before sending. Also you can’t see the smirk in a letter. Here’s what I might write, were I him.

“Dear President Ahmadinejad,

Thanks so much for your thought-provoking letter. It was a total shock receiving it, I can tell you. At the time I got it I was doing some work on the ranch to take my mind off the Iraq thing and Laura came running down from the house crying “George, you’ll never guess who wrote to you.” Of course, it took us a while to translate it, being written as it were in those squiggly lines that you call letters, but it was well worth the wait, I can tell you.

I really enjoyed your openness and thought-provoking suggestions about our way of life. It’s touching that you would make that offer and I want to let you know that should I convert to Islam, you’ll be the first to know. Sometimes I really do think about it. Of course, I love my wife very much, and this is just between the two of us, but I get the occasional urge to stone her. The only problem is that by the time I’ve found a suitable rock, the urge has usually passed. I guess it’s that and the guilt. Oh and the Secret Service. If only I had the right brainwashing to easily justify it. I could brainwash them too and do whatever I wanted to. But like my father said, “George, nothing in life comes from wishing. To get what you want you have to pay people off.”

The fact is, you’re right about the mono-theo thingy. If I could have my way, everyone would be a believer like me and I wouldn’t have to worry about these silly arguments about stem cells and the like. But with so many people questioning religion it’s not like the old days any more. Back then, the Church said shut up, you shut up, no question. These days we have so many religions that there are new ones with names that I don’t even know how to say. Much like your name Mua…Muahaja….sorry the spell checker didn’t work on that one, but I think you know what I mean.

In some ways I envy you guys for keeping such a tight ship. It takes time to win it back. I think I’m making headways, but it’s an uphill battle. We have a saying in Texas that if you push a rock up a hill and you let go it rolls down. But it doesn’t gather moss. Some animals eat moss so moss can be a good thing. But the animal can possibly help you to pull the rock up. Essentially what I’m saying is it’s tough.

One of the things I like about your religion too, believe it or not is the clothes for the women. The amount of times I’ve cracked a woody on the podium when giving a Presidential address, I can’t even begin to tell you. But when you’ve been in the White House all day around Laura and those crusty old office ladies, then you see a cute reporter in a short skirt, well that little fella has a mind of his own! Luckily people are so concerned with trying to understand what I’m saying that they don’t notice.

Well, I really do have to go now. The dogs need walking and Laura is cooking roast pork tonight. If you ever decide to come to visit us Great Devils in the West, know that there will be a nice pork chop waiting for you. I guarantee you’ll love the dogs too.

Warmest regards,

George W. Bush “

I should be a speechwriter for the guy. Anyway kiddies, have to go. Remember, it’s not about saying no to religion, but saying yes to thinking first. Rant over.

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Dak Ji and the Entrepreneurial Spirit


2006
02.23

Posted in Korea, Teaching, Tongue In Cheek | No Comments »

Kids here are crazy about games. More importantly, games which combine collecting with smashing things. One such game combines these pursuits perfectly and it’s name is Dak Ji. Dak Ji is a game consisting of throwing plastic pieces of shit (PPOS) around and trying to collect as many as you can in the process. Now they’re not actually plastic pieces of shit, but I call them this because they essentially cost the same to make, and have zero intrinsic value. You throw them around until you realize that they are actually just a PPOS and then throw them away. Why would kids do this? Because it’s fun.

A hive of unguarded Dak Ji pieces
A hive of unguarded Dak Ji pieces

See there are rules to the throwing. Let me pretend that I’m a kid again and not an old spoilsport and explain. So you and your opponent put your PPOS down flat on the ground. Then, you take it in turns to pick up your PPOS and throw it at the other players’ PPOS. If you manage to turn their PPOS over then you take it, thus becoming the proud owner of another PPOS. If you don’t, he has a chance to get yours. To a kid, the prospect of this is the most terrible thing in the world. Now, if your PPOS is lying flat on the ground, you have a pretty good chance. But if, in the midst of your attacking, your PPOS lands on the curved side, then your opponent has a good chance to flip it and take your PPOS forever.

Close-up of a PPOS
Close-up of a PPOS
Whoever thought of this game must be rolling in money now. These crazes take hold of kids, and I was no different in my youth. Matter of fact, I still suffer from it now with my handphones and iPods. But at least my PPOS does something like play music. Back in my youthful days we went through marbles and yo-yos, ninja turtle cards and elastics. We pursued these things like they were the Holy Grail, the very answer and key to our existence. If someone took them from us, we felt like we had been robbed of our life savings, but even after losing we just scraped together what we had and traded, swapped, saved and bought again until we had a superior collection. We were wary of those who were experts at the game and despised those who didn’t play by the rules. One day, in a game of cross-country marbling a crow flew down and ate mine. I have never liked those damn birds since.

Marbles was possibly the most interesting because they were like gemstones. I’m not sure how the value system of marbles came about, but all we knew was that some were more valuable than others and we had to do all that we could to get them. During elementary school, the school oval would be like a Turkish bazaar of marble swapping and playing. People set up tracks where you could step up and try your hand at hitting the kid’s marbles. You had to be careful of course, just in case the track was “rigged” in favor of the vendor. It was our first foray into carnival capitalism and when we established a nice collection of our own, we did our best to acquire a track and set up shop. Once this happens, you cultivate your track and do your best to get one which is fair, but not too fair.

But suddenly, as soon as it started, it was forgotten again. The collection which I had amounted through many games around the schoolyard and at home went into a cupboard and I haven’t thought about it until now, when I see these kids smashing their PPOS around. Of course in a little while there will be another craze over another POS, plastic or otherwise. I can bet you it will seem equally pointless and will take hold of kids like Michael Jackson. But somewhere deep down, I know that there are complicated thought processes churning around behind those kids’ innocent eyes. Strategies and market analyses are being formed in order to acquire more and more and more of the shit that they so desperately need. Maybe I should teach them about mergers and acquisitions, keeping tidy records and managing losses. I should point out to them a weaker player, such that they might focus energy on exacting the maximum payment of plastic, then using said plastic for the conquering of other players. Maybe they can use their plastic as a tool of manipulation, giving generous donations to buy partnerships. The possibilities are endless if they know how. Maybe I’ll play too and become the supreme champion of Dak Ji and own all the PPOS for miles around.

Or maybe I’ll just listen to my iPod and let them be kids.

Contemplation of flinging strategy
Contemplation of flinging strategy

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Follow Your Dreams


2006
02.13

Posted in Teaching, Tongue In Cheek | No Comments »

As kids, we are all told about the amazing possibilities that life offers. We are told that anything is possible, if you just put your mind to it. Well if that’s true, then I want to know why I can’t spend Monday singing in a Noraebang with a bottle of cheap wine with my buddies. Just for a change, you know? If this is what I truly want, then there must be a way to achieve it.

I know, you’re saying that I could just quit my job and pursue this course of action. That is just plain silly. How then will I pay for said cheap wine and singing room. No, I’m talking about working and playing at the same time. In this age of technology, why are we still grappling with such elementary problems.

I put my mind to this exact problem as I stumbled through yet another Monday, surrounded as it were by little 6 year old kids. Trying to control one is bad enough, but I have eight of them. Then it hit me. Life is about making the most of what you have, not running away from what is in front of you. I realized that what I was doing right now was useful and could be very productive if used in the right way.

It would start on the previous Friday. In our art class we would work with paper mache, creating physical replica of me, their teacher. Following the sculpting, we would mix colors to achieve the correct skin and hair tone, then we would pain all the features on. This will have the dual effect of filling a complete Friday and, more importantly, creating a full-scale model of me.

Over the weekend, I would record my voice in a sequence of messages, set to randomly play at intervals. When inserted into the mache model of me, it will give the onlooker the impression that I am hard at work.

Next, and the most crucial element of this plan, I would bribe the kids with candy and chocolate in return for them not telling anyone. I will convince them that if I get caught, I won’t have the money to buy them goodies. This will ensure their absolute obedience.

And then I will be at liberty to choose a singing room of my choice where I can drink my wine and sing all day. An optional step of this plan would involve the kids working harder to make me some paper mache friends to join me in my day of relaxation.

So really, it’s up to you to pursue your dreams. I can tell you, nobody is going to hand it to you. But when you have a bunch of six year olds who will do anything you say in exchange for a few candies, well what can’t you achieve?

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