Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

1 Comment

Oh Crap! It’s God Day


2006
11.20

Posted in Rants, Religion | 1 Comment »

Fans of the Unshow will know that I have a pretty special connection with God. After all, he was a guest on the show. This fact is made all the more baffling by the other fact that I profess to be an atheist. This doesn’t mean that I have given up hope for some of the big answers, it just means that I don’t really care. My logic is that if God is actually there, he’ll understand my twisted logic, or, and this is more likely, not give a flying fatwa what I think.

If I was God and I made something remarkably dim-witted, I wouldn’t hold grudges. Knowing and understanding all must be pretty calming, I figure.

Some part of me wishes that there was a definite answer to the questions of life. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with Bible Bashers on the street every day. Well, every other day that is. Today must’ve been a special day because they were out in force, in broken English, which is worse because they can throw verses at me but when I retort they can’t understand.

Like when I asked about the age of Earth and he said that 4000 years was just a parable, to which I replied that this meant anything you find inconvenient could just be called a parable. He answered me with a well timed and drawn out blank stare. I really should stop talking to these people.

In order to counter these armies of Scripture Streetwalkers, I have devised these Ten Commandments of Avoidance to protect you from these people as you walk the streets. By blindly following these rules and watching for the signs of the Deliverer you may avoid losing precious moments of your life or worse still, having your soul ‘saved’.

Commandment One: Beware the Neverending Smile. As you stroll along, you may think that the person up ahead is just happy. Think again. There are not that many happy people in the world these days, what with wars going on, high prices, taxes and global warming. If someone is smiling more than a second it is probably because they are high on hymns and are ready to tell you about them. You look into their eyes, they are wide, they appear to be glad to see you. You know that this is just too good to be true. Run, lest they impart the meaning of their joy.

Commandment Two: Clipboards: Thine Security Sense is False. So you see a person with a clipboard. Ah no problem there. Probably just some poor schmuck with a survey. WRONG! Suddenly you find yourself staring at a set of questions all about people called Mary, Moses and Matthew, but by then it’s too late, you have a pen in your hand. You hurriedly scribble the answers down and try to run away but they have you, they’re talking, it’s too late. Noooo! Beware the clipboard, for often these implements carry rounds of biblical ammunition, from surveys to fliers to booklets filled with stories about mystery heroes with long hair. See the clipboard and run, my friend.

Commandment the Third: As Moses Parted the Seas (parabolically of course), So Doth The God-Talker. You may notice, if you pay close attention to the people around you, that something strange is happening. People in the street in front of you are parting for no good reason. What could it be? What else but a church junkie, looking for friends so that they can all inject good intentions of hope into each others souls. For nothing will part a crowd like a Smiling Samaritan with the Good Word on his tongue.

Commandment Four: Do As The Jew Doth. While you may not be a Jew, it certainly is convenient to pretend to be one to ward off the surprise attack. The average basher isn’t equipped with the arguments to topple a faith older than theirs, especially one whose followers betrayed their number one guy. Most likely they’ll give up. Feel free to do your best Jewish impression to suit. Trust me, Jews appreciate good Jewish impressions.

Commandment Five: Do As The (insert religion here) Follower Doth. If Jewish impressions aren’t your thing, then you are not lost. There are plenty of religions that are just as repugnant to Christians. Try Islam for example. One mention of the Crusades or US Christians invading the Holy Land and you’ll think you had Saladin’s sword in your hands. It’s all in the approach. Greet them with “salaam alaikum” and it will it will be over before you can say hijab!

Commandment the Sixth: Unleash Thy Fury. One of the great things that many people forget is that Christians have to forgive. This has a great benefit for you the hapless victim: you can punch them in the face! Ok, well maybe not punch, because from a distance you can really get a run up and do a flying karate kick. A normal person would be angry, but if you apologize, they will forgive you. They have to! Then you can punch them again, and again, all the time with forgiveness guaranteed. Feeling tense or angry? Well, a happy Christian may even lighten your day after you get some of those frustrations out.

Commandment Seven: Repeat Ad Nauseum. An old game, yes. A good game, double yes. Turning bible talk into a fun game, absolutely! The rules are simple: just repeat everything they say. Exactly. Time yourself to see just how long they will endure their own words. Hey, if everyone else has to endure them, why shouldn’t they?

Commandment Eight: God Is Your Friend. Literally. If you were unable to read the signs and find yourself cornered by one of those smiles which are too wide for the mouth, all is not lost. Simply smile the same smile back and tell them all about the voices in your head. Tell them about your friend, God, and how he tells you many things. Have a conversation with him while your talking with them. “God says He’s angry” and look worried. “God, stop talking, stop! stop!” Trust me, by the third blood-curdling scream as you pound your fists on your temples, there will be no-one left talking to you. That is, unless of course the voices were there to begin with…

Commandment Nine: Cultivate a Following. Interestingly enough, someone who really wants to tell you something will often follow you if you fail to stop. The trick is to look interested enough to give them hope, but not slow down enough to stop. See how far you can take them. Up stairs, down stairs, across the street, across town. Given enough hope of saving your soul, the travel possibilities are endless!

Commandment Ten: Placing Distance. Should all of the above Commandments fail to protect you from the incessant rantings of a Godhead, DO NOT FEAR. For there is one final action which may be taken which is a sure-fire method for when all of the lying, acting or punching just won’t work. The trick is to put the greatest distance possible between you and the offending party in the shortest amount of time. They may shout “God bless you” or some other horribly joyous blessing as you peel off. However if the wind is right, or your running fast enough, you may be able to avoid even this. And that may be the greatest blessing of them all.

Popularity: 6% [?]

No Comments

My Last Cartoon Comment


2006
02.06

Posted in Religion | No Comments »

Religion… giving people reasons to kill each other since the Dawn of Time.

Popularity: 3% [?]

No Comments

Cartoons That Kill


2006
02.03

Posted in Religion | No Comments »

There has been a lot of fuss over some cartoons printed in Denmark lately. For the people making the fuss, I hope you know that you have helped the cartoons to be seen by millions more people around the world than would originally have seen then AND you have reinforced the view that you have no idea what Western culture is about.

Not that we in the West have any idea about your culture. But we can only try to educate the other side in its misconceptions and be open to education from the other side. An open discussion without violence is the way to understanding. So here’s my education for you, the fuss-makers. We don’t have censorship. People in our countries are free to have differing opinions. So when you tell the Danes that they shouldn’t have allowed such pictures to be published, well they’re not going to change the whole freedom of the press thing because you don’t like it. As for the burning of the flag, I mean come on. The Danish flag stands for freedom. If you’re having a hard time with freedom then move to Saudi or Iran.

In what seems like a suspicious twist, a delegation of Muslim clerics from Denmark, who travelled to the Arab world to raise awareness about the cartoons, apparently added their own coarse samples which were neither clever nor tasteful. One depicted a dog having intercourse with a praying Mohammad and another had a person depicted as a pig next to a microphone with “Mohammad sings” or some stupid thing like that. They were roughly photocopied and not even cartoons. It is possible that these are the images which caused the outrage in the first place.

One can only hope that discerning Muslims seeing such pictures will be able to tell that they are inflammatory fakes.

But what does hope mean when there are plenty of people in the world that we know are mad enough to want to kill the cartoonist, the newspaper, the Danish, the Swedes (for good measure) and anyone remotely connected to the cartoons. Of course, by now there may well be a jihad on me but there are plenty worse things they can nail me for than that.

Debate around religious issues may be forbidden in the Muslim world, but many of us are not, nor wish to be living in the Muslim world. Those Muslims who are living in the West can thankfully buy another newspaper in future. They have that choice you see.

Popularity: 3% [?]

No Comments

The Goodness of Nature


2005
10.10

Posted in Current Events, Religion | No Comments »

These past few days have seen some of the craziest weather that nature can provide. From torrential rain and mudslides in Guatemala to massive earthquakes in Pakistan and South Asia, it would really appear that nature was on the attack. I know it’s just the way it goes, that the world suffers and has suffered from many attacks such as this, constantly. But if I were a superstitious man, I’d say that something big is happening.

Luckily for me I’m neither superstitious, nor do I live in either Guatemala or Pakistan. However there are a great many who are superstitious. Namely, those millions of Pakistanis who are Islamic. What must they be thinking? 30,000 of the faithful were crushed to death beneath their homes of concrete and metal. It’s not the most pleasant way to go.

Their reaction was to pray, which is essentially saying “Wow God that was a neat trick, we are really really impressed and think you’re the greatest.” But what are they really thinking? Are they thinking that all those prayers should’ve counted for something? Even if they were given a break and it was time to go to heaven, was it really necessary to decapitate and maim them, suffocating and dying from dust inhalation? I know it’s not plausible, but a mass sleeping pill overdose would be a much nicer end for all those women and children.

No, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that if there is a God, he’s not on our side. In fact, it would be pretty easy to say that we are at war. In the past year, natural disasters have claimed over 140,000 lives in precisely the areas which attest to the greatest belief. It’s a non-denominational attack too, for the Christians in the Deep South got whacked by Katrina in the same vein as the Muslims in Aceh when the Tsunami hit.

It’s time to wake up, people of the world. Can’t you see, this God jerk is out to get us. He’s gone mad and he’s no longer playing Mr.Nice Guy in the Sky. No, he’s getting thirsty for blood. No more, kill-your-son mind games, no it’s a global scale, all-out battle. The more you pray the more he’s going to hit you. He’ll make the world a swamp before he’s done. He’ll make the Thou Shalt Not Kill commandment sound like Thou Shalt Drive A Car Full of Explosives into thine Mosque, and there’ll be someone crazy enough to do it.

The only hope we have is to fight and to use the only weapon we know for sure will work: our stupidity. We’ll burn all the sacred books. We’ll hold our Bibles in our left hands and our guns in our right and we’ll say that unless the Lord kindly stops all the shenannigans, we’ll blow a hole from Genesis to Revelation. And could he kindly make the Middle East less of a shithole while he’s at it? Maybe those terrorists wouldn’t be so angry then.

Popularity: 2% [?]

No Comments

Indoctrination


2005
03.29

Posted in Opinion, Religion | No Comments »

It would be nice, once and for all, to decide whether human beings are a high life form or just beasts who can talk. I don’t mean to be so facetious about it, but I do ponder from time to time just what is ahead for the race of men and women.

If we take a look at history, we can observe how, over centuries, ordinary people’s lives have been determined by great rulers. Information was spread or stopped according to its threat on power or its utility. Many great things have been passed to ordinary people from the minds of brilliant scientists, artists and philosophers. Some of these thinkers have been persecuted and killed for thoughts and ideas deemed threatening or subversive. Some achieved great fame and fortune.

But it’s the same story over and over. Power, threat to power, challenge wins, challenge loses. This side vs that side. Good vs Evil. Evil vs Good. Good was actually evil all along. Evil was mostly good, but a little evil.

In the 18th century, to earn a living from sideshows, travelling bands of what might today be called ‘carnival folk’ used to put children in pots of various sizes and let them grow. The child, growing quickly would grow into the shape of the pot. People could then pay money to witness such strange things. True or false?

Today, boys from Palestine and Israel and other places all around the world grow up in a similar way. They are taught that stealing is bad, that boys should respect their parents and that their way of life is right. They come to understand that what they do, they do for a reason and really, they are superior to those others who do different things and worship a different God.

Not just boys. Girls are also very good at learning. While the boys are running around outside fighting one another they are reading or talking, being told about many different stories and tales. Some of these stories have messages, some real, some not.

The strange thing is, all these children, if taught correctly, will grow up to firmly believe what they have been taught. The Jewish man has been brought up to believe that the Torrah is an accurate account of history. The Christian man has learned through many years of instruction that Jesus was sent from heaven and did lots of wonderful things. Even the man who was raised with liberal parents, can validly see the benefits of taxes and how they help to create an educated, successful nation. We feel satisfied that what we know has been given to us out of luck. We feel lucky to be born in our country or have the parents we had to teach us the Truth.

It comes down to survival more than anything. A child must learn what it’s parents tell it, it must preserve and carry on. If it does not learn, then it can’t benefit from the wisdom passed down. If you eat those berries, you will be ok, if you eat those you will die. Many things we learn help to give us a better life. But that doesn’t mean that everything we are taught is true. It may just be a Truth. By the same token, a parent naturally wants to pass it’s knowledge on to it’s child, in order to give it a good life (or afterlife). Not everything our parents believe are true though.

It is a wonderful thing, Truth. If it is real, it will have all the answers you need. If you are lucky, there will be people around you to remind you of the Truth, should you forget or falter. Says the man educated in Truth to his young son, “you know, in some parts of the world they have truTh. Ha, ha those poor fools, they really think it’s the Truth, but it’s not. If they really saw Truth, they would realize how great it is.”

Let’s have an example. Jimmy is from England. His parents taught him that Mishmash is the savior of all humanity. His most famous miracle was changing the skies from blue to purple, through green and back to blue. He thus made all the world realize that he was divine. He did more things too. He was personally related to God, hand selected to be his son. Somehow, someway, he managed to rise from the level of poor peasant to be the savior of the world. Of course, he didn’t write anything down, but some people knew of him and wrote stuff that they had heard down. Lucky for us, because that’s how we learnt of all his amazing powers.

Henry is also from England, in fact he lives next to Jimmy. Henry’s parents think that Jimmy’s parents are a bit strange. I mean, who ever heard of Mishmash and his stupid tricks in the sky? No, they brought up their son to understand that the real savior is Zook. Zook (praise God for his existence) delivered his message just recently and it was the final message, him being the last possible update. Admittedly God had misjudged the humans, but really truly Zook (p.g.f.h.e) was the last. He carried God’s message loud and clear and there was simly no rebutting it. Besides, if you didn’t believe him then you would definitely have an eternity of hell to realize just how stupid you were.

So who is right? Jimmy’s parents or Henry’s parents?

Well they’re both stupid aren’t they? Who ever heard of Zook and Mishmash? Everyone sensible knows that Christ is our savior and lord. Or was it Mohammed? Or John Smith, that mormon guy. Or was it that guy I saw on TV telling me about God…? It might have been Krishna if you were born in India, then again it could have been Buddha who showed us the way. Then again, I’m not sure what Jehovah’s Witnesses saw, but whatever it was it must have been pretty special. With all these different choices, how can we choose?

The answer? We don’t. It chooses us.

Think about it for a moment. If you were born in a different place, you would most likely be a completely different person with completely different beliefs. Do you think that you’d stil have the same beliefs? Are you confident you would still find the truth that you now hold dear?

Like it or not, we are all brainwashed. Look at how easily little kids believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny. They’re not rational, they’re not thinking straight. They don’t know that Santa’s movements are in violation of the Second Law of Thermodynamics and possibly a dozen other laws of nature. But here are the parents and pastors and preachers and school teachers filling their brains with more ‘true stories’. As hard as it was for the child to admit that there was no Santa, at least they still got presents at Christmas. But how is that child going to contemplate if he or she really believes in God? Hmm, on the one hand they have a nice friendly man in the sky looking out for them and loving them unconditionally. If they are good, they will go to heaven and have an eternity of pleasure. On the other hand, there is no man or anyone else in the sky, they have a short future of growth then decline and finally a vast eternity of nothingness. No wonder people don’t like to think about it.

Think I’m just saying this because I’m an atheist? Well it doesn’t just fall in the hands of religions to brainwash (although they do the most of it). What about Democracy? Try saying something against it. “You can’t not have Democracy, that would be like, evil.” But Democracy is just an idea, built around the Greek structure of small cities. Each city was a small unit, where all people can have a say and be involved. We have come to accept Democracy as the pinnacle of human society, when actually we just haven’t thought of a better idea. There are many problems with Democracy, especially the way it is stuck on everything like a social band-aid.

So I sit and I wonder. Sure, we have all this knowledge, these great discoveries, new theories, a more and more complete record of history. And yet, the leader of the most powerful country in the world still thinks that a man walking around on water is more likely than living things changing gradually over time. Religious people want to get into the schools and teach the children as early as possible their Truth. They were in my school, I’m sure they were in your school and I’m sure as hell they want more.

All we really have is theories. There are few solid facts in this world. It would be nice to think that all the answers were right there waiting to be discovered. In a way they are, because the amazing thing about the human mind is that it is capable of understanding many many wonderful and as yet unheard of things. We can use these wonderful instruments to perceive and understand the world around us. There are so many answers to questions we have had for so long, and they’re all waiting to be discovered.

But it is highly doubtful that all our answers are going to be found in one book. Especially not when many of these books are nothing more than carefully selected works, compiled and edited by conquerers, politicians and power mongers who manipulated other people’s beliefs for their own gain. The New Testament, for example, was put together four hundred years after Jesus died. Not only that, the scriptures were commisioned by a Roman emperor and carefully selected according to their utility.

This is common knowledge these days. The records are there to discover and while that Roman emperor and the Catholic Church afterwards did try to destroy all other records, some did surface and not surprisingly painted a very different picture. Did all Christians flock to read these scriptures and learn more about Christ? No way. Because some myths are too old to challenge. They become embedded in culture and custom and forbid us from thinking outside them.

Islam has a similar story. (taken from an amazon.com review)

“The story goes like this: From the first creation of the new faith beginning with the death of the Prophet, to the end of the 12th Century of our common era, Islam was dynamic, tolerant, innovative, and willing to learn from non-Muslims. The key to this dynamism and inventiveness was the practice of “ijtihad,” or “interpretation.” As the Islamic empire quickly swelled to include the Middle East, Persia, Anatolia, North Africa, and much of Spain, new problems of governance arose which were not addressed either in the Koran or in the “hadiths” (the stories about the life of the Prophet). So committees of learned men would consider the new problem at hand, the resources available in the Koran and hadiths, and would come up with an innovative solution which had some anaological connection with something or other in the founding texts. This solution would then be declared to be “Islamic.” That was how “Shari’ah” or Islamic law, came into being. Since none of this could have been gotten from the foundational documents alone, the procedure amounted to a practice of “progressive revelation.” So long as this practice was in effect, Islam persisted in its “golden age” during which it was the most advanced and creative civilization on earth.

But it all ended after the 12th Century. Why? A collective decision was made by the Islamic powers of that time, to “close the doors of interpretation.” Islam would no longer adapt to the world. The world would have to adapt to Islam. That was the beginning of the end of Islamic vatality, innovation, and worldly power. Islam became a fossilized civilization falling ever further behind its Western competitors, until by the middle of the 19th Century, France and England could colonise Muslim lands with hardly a shot being fired. Muslim lands remain today largely impotent and backward, and have to import most of their advanced products and skills from the West (or from Asian countries that have “Westernized”). ”

So why all this fuss about a universal truth? Who cares what people believe? You should care. Don’t fool yourself into believing that it doesn’t matter. Many of the things we take for granted today, our knowledge, or science, our advanced way of life, would not exist but for people who challenged what institutions said about the way the world was. Today, the Church isn’t allowed to kill you if you say bad things about it. Well, Salman Rushdie may disagree. However they will still fight every change, every scientific breakthrough, any evidence that the race of men are savoring the meal they have made from the tree of knowledge.

One day, and I hope that day comes soon, it will be plain to see humanity is in full control of the natural world around it. When we reach that day and we create a new world out of virtually nothing, well then we will realize that each one of us are Gods, if given the chance.

Popularity: 2% [?]

No Comments

The David Code


2005
03.18

Posted in Rants, Religion | No Comments »

For someone with a website called ‘The David Code’, it might not surprise you to learn that I just read ‘The DaVinci Code’ by Dan Brown. Actually I read the book after I made the website, actually. It is an excellent book, with a good plot and intriguing history upon which it is based. Of course, many of us already knew that the Bible as written in todays form is the product of the early Catholic church’s influence. Such things stand to reason. In addition, the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls a number of years back was further proof that ‘what life is like’ actually did happen. What I mean by that is, we live life every day and it’s dull, boring and relatively predictable. That’s how life is and how it has always been. Stories change it.

And predictably the Catholic Church has come out and declared the book a work of fiction which speads outright lies. A top cardinal advised people everywhere ‘not to believe these fairy tales’. I think he was talking about the Da Vinci Code and not the Bible, but I guess if I had to choose between stories about a mortal man with some great ideas and a son-of-God walking on water and coming back from the dead, I’d have to stick with the one which makes the most sense.

People have put faith in the church for centuries, thinking that they were right in their interpretations of the gospel. But history is written by the winners as they say. The Catholic Church via the Emperor Constantine had taken ownership over Jesus’ message and used it as a tool to control people. That’s why I don’t believe in topics which are taboo. We really have to analyze what we are told from childhood, because the same lies that tricked our parents could be tricking us. We have access to so much history now and so much information which conflicts with official doctrines. The only way that these doctrines can maintain their positions is to encourage a closed atmosphere and a forced taboo over some subjects. Presicely like the church’s reaction to this new bestseller.

I guess we are all somewhat at fault. Human history often has a short memory. We follow the doctrines we are given, assuming that past changes are correct. The people of Afghanistan, during the 70′s were relatively free. The women could wear the latest fashions and travel freely and safely. After the Taliban took over, that behavior was a great way to get yourself shot. Even the Taliban’s beliefs were formed after the Islamic faith underwent a stage of fundamentalism starting in the 1400s. This was around 700 years after Mohammed had died and was mainly a number of cleric’s narrow interpretations of the Q’uran. Societies such as Saudi Arabia and Iran still live under these interpretations.

In the west, during the early days of the British Kingdom, kings were installed by sheer force and manipulation. The principle of the matter was simply just to conquer the land and have it as your own. Nowadays, we keep our kings and queens simply out of a respect for tradition and a disease of people’s minds that somehow makes believe that those of royal blood are inherently better people genetically.

Throughout the world there are failures in the thinking of men and women. Ideas are false, beliefs are false, people choose the wrong things. And most importantly and I hope more people realize this, there are throughout the world people manipulating those false thinking people, encouraging the lies, untruths and half-truths FOR THEIR OWN GAIN. Don’t believe me? Observe.

Governments are example number one. You will rarely hear a government tell you that they want to reduce their size. They will tell you that they need to increase their size and add another department because you are in danger. Without them, you wouldn’t be able to survive. So, you pay more of your money in taxes to keep more of those people in a job. Giant juggernauts like the FDA and AMA, not to mention all the completely ridiculous departments and so-called ‘watchdogs’ which eat up valuable money and wind up costing more all round. Dave’s prediction: coming soon to a government near you, ‘Public software’. Governments will claim that letting private companies supply them with software is not in the interests of the people. Government software departments will rise to create software which is safer, more secure and freely available. (read: buggy, has more holes than swiss cheese, costs a fortune and solves problems you had two years ago).

Student Unions are a similar but current example. When the threat popped up to make unionism voluntary, the first ones in line to complain were the ones whose livelihoods depended on sucking money out of them. We were reminded of all the services that it provides and all the things we will miss out of when no-one pays their fees. To try and reason with this idea is like telling the mosquito to stop sucking and get a job. Services that people don’t need shouldn’t be given money. Services that are essential should be provided by the University. And services that are neither but make life fun, should be financed by smart business. It is in a University’s interest to have a blossoming Union. But the leechers know that the Organic Vegie Food Department and the magazine which is solely the voice of the socialist left probably won’t get any money. In any case, many people will fall victim to the warnings and think “maybe we do need to force people to pay money for a Union that they don’t really use much”. Essentially what has made the government back down from the VSU legislation was pressure and also the knowledge that unions do provide a good training ground for new recruits.

Having said that, there are many people within Student Unions who work their asses off to provide services for others, services which enrich the lives of all students. These people provide real services and I really believe that real services will be provided for, even under VSU.

What kind of news puts the opinion section before the breaking top stories? Oops.. let me fill you in..

I’m pretty much fully recovered from my operation now. My throat’s all better and I’m not in pain anymore. Other benefits include breathing and lack of snoring. Plus, now I feel like updating my page again, so posts like these can see the light of day.

Anyway, I started all this talk about the Da Vinci Code. If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend it. Apart from a few unlikely plot twists it’s a totally engaging read. I finished it in 2 days. It would’ve been one, but people kept telling me things like ‘David, you smell” and “David, eat your dinner” so I got interrupted. In addition, I’m studying php these days to make my site interactive and database enabled. Actually, I realized that I knew it all along. The benefits of a Computer Science degree I guess….

Popularity: 3% [?]