Talking about the nature of God first makes sense because to understand God we have to first understand ourselves and our place in the universe. Now, the word God invokes many different ideas. Quite often we think of the Christian God who is like a grumpy old man who doesn’t like to be bothered and who rules with an iron fist. There is a slightly different version of this God in the New Testament compared to the Old Testament though either way he assumes the identity of a wise, old, occasionally wrathful man. I think this idea is rubbish. I also think that any variation on the God-is-a-man concept is rubbish. Not only that, the idea that he is watching over our every move is also rubbish. Finally, the idea that he is in fact a he is, um, how do I put this? Ah yes, rubbish.

Okay now that I have made every major religion my enemy I will continue and discuss what I feel is the true nature of God. To be honest it’s really hard not to use phrases like “God is infinite”, “God is everywhere” or other such clichd lines. This is what many religions currently say. I do imagine that if you sat down with a random holy book you might see lines to this effect. Why then, if God is infinite as they profess, do they limit the concept by giving him a finite identity. To see the truths in current religion, you ignore the fictionalized stories that happen in all of them and see their common thread. People have limited God in order to understand it which has anthropomorphized God into an all-knowing and controlling father figure. However our spirituality deserves more than just stories about an imaginary man in the sky.

We all long for a spiritual connection of some kind. While we can feel that spiritual connection through friendship, love, parenthood or art, we also feel a need to define our own place in the universe. We long for a spiritual connection which illuminates our role in existence. It’s not self-aggrandizement where you feel everything you do is vital to the function of the universe. Nor is it a feeling of resignation where you wait out your short life for an impending doom. Rather, your understanding of God helps you enjoy this moment you have and all that exists alongside you. My religion is about taking joy from your existence and being completely comfortable with your amazing (albeit, short) journey through this world.

God is the energy of the universe. We are all balls of energy interacting and acting of our own accord. We are on a planet which contains a million forms of life all doing their own thing trying to survive long enough to replicate and nurture their young into another life cycle. We are all driven by the life force. We do what we do to continue this life force. All the emotions, all the fears and desires are manifestations of this force, propelling us through our lives. You can look back on all of history, all those thousands and thousands of generations of people before you. Each one of them felt like you feel right now. Each one of them felt like they were the most advanced thing on the Earth. But where are they now? What did they do to help you? Will we really remember them?

Our ancestors, despite their feelings of grandeur, ultimately died. However they all died completing their mission which was to replicate, to breed new life to replace their own. We are all here for that one simple reason. And yes, we feel that we are the most advanced things to ever hit this planet as will our children feel and as will those earthlings thousands and thousands of years into the future. We are a flash in the pan. For a brief moment in time we will shine our lights brightly into existence and then we’ll be gone. All of those ancestors that went before us finally learned that one ultimate truth. Once you are able to accept your place in time, only then will you be able to fully savor every last moment of it. We remember our ancestors in the way that we remember the steps and rungs on a ladder we are climbing. They got us this far and we appreciate that. We are not really sure where we are climbing or why we want to climb so badly, however we have have the desire deep within our souls that we should just keep going up. Why we are doing this nobody can know, nor should they lose any sleep wondering about it. We will play our part in whatever purpose it is, allowing the universal plan to continue. If we exist according to our programming, we will get pleasure for fulfilling our part. No pleasure in life can replace the joys of courtship, love, sex, raising a family, working productively and seeing our children grow to do the same, for the undertaking of these acts is the true purpose of your life.

Enjoy this gift and savor each stage of your journey without guilt or regret. This is the central tenet of my religion, the name for which I will give Etheism, the belief of God as a universal force of energy.

Popularity: 7% [?]

I just found God. No kidding. Im a believer now. After all those years of eschewing the idea of a divine presence, I have finally seen the universal light of truth. What would cause such a transformation, you wonder? Well, exposure to the universal light of truth, pretty much. What is this universal light? How does one see it? Have I gone completely bonkers? These questions will be answered in the following few paragraphs, blog entries and random drunken mumblings.

Firstly I will state from the get-go that I am starting my own religion. I dont want you to misconstrue my newfound faith as to be in any way related to any major religion existing today. I suppose elements of all of them are true in some way, but I think they completely misconstrue the truth and build so much bullshit around it, that you cant really see it anymore. Maybe people wanted more out of their religion, more meaning out of their existence, so religions grew to fulfill this need. Maybe they lusted for more power. Either way, they have been distorted so as to make the truth impossible to see.

The honest truth is that the actions of your life dont particularly matter. From the perspective of the universal consciousness, your life matters an amount which is infinitesimally close to zero. You can be good and bad, the UC pretty much doesnt give a crap. To kill someone, for example, is against the universal plan, but matters so incredibly little as to be almost insignificant. In fact, it may even be a part of the plan. As human beings, it makes no sense to be terribly concerned with the details of the universal plan, as you have been programmed to enjoy your life and in so doing, play your role in the UP. However, being human you have a consciousness that demands to be aware of whats happening to it, so humans have longed for this spiritual meaning to life, to be aware of the plan that exists for us. We have in the past turned to religion to satisfy this need, but as these religions were so full of hogwash and illogicality they stood opposed to the truth we had learned with our own eyes. Religion, in its role of tour guide to Eternity, has failed miserably. Instead of helping us to observe our own place in the universe and of the meaning to our futile lives, they elevated their own status to be much higher than it should be, to control people to behave as they wished them to. Power made them greedy, those religions, as they longed for more and more control. Whatever truth started out in them, by the time religions had taken over peoples lives, there was little truth to be found at all. This is why I must start my own religion.

To be honest, criticizing todays religions is almost a waste of time. There is so little to believe about them that people need to study it in order to see how it might be true, go to church every week and recite prayers to enforce it. If you really need to reinforce truth, then maybe its not so true to begin with. Truth is a light which shines upon us. Yes, finding real truth requires a search, but once found it should make itself forever known, imprinted on your brain. Truths as elemental as 1+1=2 or the difference between hot and cold are, once learned, never forgotten. In the same way, the Universal Truth is something that, once learned, is not easily forgotten.

The plan is something I need to talk about. The plan is the goal that our lives contribute a part to. All of us are helping it along. I want you to imagine you are God for a moment. You look out over Creation and see all the different life-forms blossoming, burgeoning their existence into the universe. As it all grows, you feel that the winner will grow to benefit further your plan. Right now, the humans are showing promise, but will the dominant species be the virii, which eternally replicate and never destroy each other, as the humans are prone to do? You feel no special longing for either side to win, just to watch as it unfolds before you. You are happy to let the creatures develop, all along playing their Darwinian games of natural selection until they have the capacity to join the communication of the UC.

No doubt there are other civilizations out there also competing their way to universal significance. Some may just be starting out, others may be far more advanced than ours. Looked at from Gods perspective, we see them as eternally engaging in the battle of survival. There are many species which are not even nearly going to come close to winning. One of the branches of life forked out and made a bird called a dodo. That branch had hoped to be the ultimate species, fighting for domination of the planet, the solar system, the galaxy, but alas, it turned out to be a really stupid bird. As a result, its line ended. As humans, we are living out our lives and we think we are developing quite well, but this may not always be the case. Another life form may swallow us in pursuit of their own destiny and that will be our end. However, as we advance, we will be open to broader and broader forms of communication, using methods previously undreamt of. Eventually, we will discover other species. Of course, they may be a species of giant walking plants, who communicate through molecular emission and transmission. In which case, well think twice before making the movies about cross-species romance. Species are out there, its just a matter of finding them.

Imagine a caveman. He is living in a cave on the outskirts of the city. He has never ventured far out of his cave and the town locals have never risked getting close to him. The caveman is unaware of the world. There is, of course a wireless internet signal running through the air around his cave. The humans in the town send this wireless signal out. Theres also a cell phone network in the area. If the caveman had a computer or a mobile phone, hed be able to contact the humans and access all their knowledge. However until the caveman builds the computer and mobile technology, he will be unable to bridge that gap. You may ask, what about more traditional forms of communication, such as smoke signals, mirror flashes or plain old-fashioned shouting. From a universal perspective this amounts to asking, why dont the aliens send us information through more traditional means, in ways we could understand? The answer is the same for the townspeople and the caveman as it is for the aliens and us. That is, they cant communicate with us for the same reason we cant run computer networks on a system of smoke signals: the mechanism for communication is simply inadequate. What seems like an impossible task for our imaginary caveman, that task of hooking in to the wireless signal of the town, remains our very real task of finding out how to plug into the universal network of truth. Its almost an impossible feat, but its one we must never give up on. A major part of my religion is learning how to connect to truth and be open to receive it.

to be continued…

Popularity: 6% [?]

I recently received a forwarded email with a quote attributed to John Howard. It was taken from a supposed speech he gave about immigration policies and a multicultural Australia. Here is an excerpt:

“Immigrants, not Australians must adapt. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the ‘politically correct’ crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others… As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom”

The supposed speech came to an end in a frenzied climax of patriotic cliches (caps added by original source):

“This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE’.”

Had it happened? Had John Howard finally flown off the handle and revealed his inner Aussie battler? Then I thought, wait a minute, this is John Howard. The who never says anything remotely inflammatory. John Howard, appeaser of the middle class. I turned to Google to find out where this story really came from.

I found that indeed it wasn’t little Johnnie who penned the above rant, nor was it one of his speechwriters. In fact, it was hard to trace the author, there were so many. Stories usually went something like: an editorial in a “major tabloid” said this speech or “a concerned reader and average Joe” sent this letter-to-the-editor to a local newspaper. It also seemed that the country in question wasn’t originally Australia. It seems that the speech has been used in defence of patriotism in the UK as well however the consensus of internet opinion is that it was written by an American citizen as an editorial for a Tampa (Florida) newspaper. Name unknown.

In fact, this is simply a chain letter. A dig back through the news archives showed that this letter has been sent to various newspapers’ editorial sections and published again and again since 2001, the date it was originally written. Finally, I ended up at breakthechain.com which traced it back to “Barry Loudermilk, an Air Force veteran from Georgia and frequent op-ed columnist in the The Bartow Trader” which quite possibly could be the Bartow in Florida.

The fact that people keep quoting this and getting excited by it is probably because it’s more or less how people are feeling. It’s no secret that citizens are increasingly frustrated by the constant stream of politically correct bullshit that spews forth from our lawmakers and media outlets. Usually when something doesn’t sit right with the general population, an opposite reaction will occur pretty soon after. It doesn’t take Newton to tell you that the opposite of PC is usually a little on the racist, good-old-days, nationalistic side. That’s how society ends up reasonably balanced.

The funny thing about this email is that people are not attributing to John Howard the type of quotes we used to read Pauline Hanson actually giving. I suppose those who agreed all along felt a little better when it came from official mouths.

Yeah, right.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Fans of the Unshow will know that I have a pretty special connection with God. After all, he was a guest on the show. This fact is made all the more baffling by the other fact that I profess to be an atheist. This doesn’t mean that I have given up hope for some of the big answers, it just means that I don’t really care. My logic is that if God is actually there, he’ll understand my twisted logic, or, and this is more likely, not give a flying fatwa what I think.

If I was God and I made something remarkably dim-witted, I wouldn’t hold grudges. Knowing and understanding all must be pretty calming, I figure.

Some part of me wishes that there was a definite answer to the questions of life. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with Bible Bashers on the street every day. Well, every other day that is. Today must’ve been a special day because they were out in force, in broken English, which is worse because they can throw verses at me but when I retort they can’t understand.

Like when I asked about the age of Earth and he said that 4000 years was just a parable, to which I replied that this meant anything you find inconvenient could just be called a parable. He answered me with a well timed and drawn out blank stare. I really should stop talking to these people.

In order to counter these armies of Scripture Streetwalkers, I have devised these Ten Commandments of Avoidance to protect you from these people as you walk the streets. By blindly following these rules and watching for the signs of the Deliverer you may avoid losing precious moments of your life or worse still, having your soul ’saved’.

Commandment One: Beware the Neverending Smile. As you stroll along, you may think that the person up ahead is just happy. Think again. There are not that many happy people in the world these days, what with wars going on, high prices, taxes and global warming. If someone is smiling more than a second it is probably because they are high on hymns and are ready to tell you about them. You look into their eyes, they are wide, they appear to be glad to see you. You know that this is just too good to be true. Run, lest they impart the meaning of their joy.

Commandment Two: Clipboards: Thine Security Sense is False. So you see a person with a clipboard. Ah no problem there. Probably just some poor schmuck with a survey. WRONG! Suddenly you find yourself staring at a set of questions all about people called Mary, Moses and Matthew, but by then it’s too late, you have a pen in your hand. You hurriedly scribble the answers down and try to run away but they have you, they’re talking, it’s too late. Noooo! Beware the clipboard, for often these implements carry rounds of biblical ammunition, from surveys to fliers to booklets filled with stories about mystery heroes with long hair. See the clipboard and run, my friend.

Commandment the Third: As Moses Parted the Seas (parabolically of course), So Doth The God-Talker. You may notice, if you pay close attention to the people around you, that something strange is happening. People in the street in front of you are parting for no good reason. What could it be? What else but a church junkie, looking for friends so that they can all inject good intentions of hope into each others souls. For nothing will part a crowd like a Smiling Samaritan with the Good Word on his tongue.

Commandment Four: Do As The Jew Doth. While you may not be a Jew, it certainly is convenient to pretend to be one to ward off the surprise attack. The average basher isn’t equipped with the arguments to topple a faith older than theirs, especially one whose followers betrayed their number one guy. Most likely they’ll give up. Feel free to do your best Jewish impression to suit. Trust me, Jews appreciate good Jewish impressions.

Commandment Five: Do As The (insert religion here) Follower Doth. If Jewish impressions aren’t your thing, then you are not lost. There are plenty of religions that are just as repugnant to Christians. Try Islam for example. One mention of the Crusades or US Christians invading the Holy Land and you’ll think you had Saladin’s sword in your hands. It’s all in the approach. Greet them with “salaam alaikum” and it will it will be over before you can say hijab!

Commandment the Sixth: Unleash Thy Fury. One of the great things that many people forget is that Christians have to forgive. This has a great benefit for you the hapless victim: you can punch them in the face! Ok, well maybe not punch, because from a distance you can really get a run up and do a flying karate kick. A normal person would be angry, but if you apologize, they will forgive you. They have to! Then you can punch them again, and again, all the time with forgiveness guaranteed. Feeling tense or angry? Well, a happy Christian may even lighten your day after you get some of those frustrations out.

Commandment Seven: Repeat Ad Nauseum. An old game, yes. A good game, double yes. Turning bible talk into a fun game, absolutely! The rules are simple: just repeat everything they say. Exactly. Time yourself to see just how long they will endure their own words. Hey, if everyone else has to endure them, why shouldn’t they?

Commandment Eight: God Is Your Friend. Literally. If you were unable to read the signs and find yourself cornered by one of those smiles which are too wide for the mouth, all is not lost. Simply smile the same smile back and tell them all about the voices in your head. Tell them about your friend, God, and how he tells you many things. Have a conversation with him while your talking with them. “God says He’s angry” and look worried. “God, stop talking, stop! stop!” Trust me, by the third blood-curdling scream as you pound your fists on your temples, there will be no-one left talking to you. That is, unless of course the voices were there to begin with…

Commandment Nine: Cultivate a Following. Interestingly enough, someone who really wants to tell you something will often follow you if you fail to stop. The trick is to look interested enough to give them hope, but not slow down enough to stop. See how far you can take them. Up stairs, down stairs, across the street, across town. Given enough hope of saving your soul, the travel possibilities are endless!

Commandment Ten: Placing Distance. Should all of the above Commandments fail to protect you from the incessant rantings of a Godhead, DO NOT FEAR. For there is one final action which may be taken which is a sure-fire method for when all of the lying, acting or punching just won’t work. The trick is to put the greatest distance possible between you and the offending party in the shortest amount of time. They may shout “God bless you” or some other horribly joyous blessing as you peel off. However if the wind is right, or your running fast enough, you may be able to avoid even this. And that may be the greatest blessing of them all.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Religion… giving people reasons to kill each other since the Dawn of Time.

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There has been a lot of fuss over some cartoons printed in Denmark lately. For the people making the fuss, I hope you know that you have helped the cartoons to be seen by millions more people around the world than would originally have seen then AND you have reinforced the view that you have no idea what Western culture is about.

Not that we in the West have any idea about your culture. But we can only try to educate the other side in its misconceptions and be open to education from the other side. An open discussion without violence is the way to understanding. So here’s my education for you, the fuss-makers. We don’t have censorship. People in our countries are free to have differing opinions. So when you tell the Danes that they shouldn’t have allowed such pictures to be published, well they’re not going to change the whole freedom of the press thing because you don’t like it. As for the burning of the flag, I mean come on. The Danish flag stands for freedom. If you’re having a hard time with freedom then move to Saudi or Iran.

In what seems like a suspicious twist, a delegation of Muslim clerics from Denmark, who travelled to the Arab world to raise awareness about the cartoons, apparently added their own coarse samples which were neither clever nor tasteful. One depicted a dog having intercourse with a praying Mohammad and another had a person depicted as a pig next to a microphone with “Mohammad sings” or some stupid thing like that. They were roughly photocopied and not even cartoons. It is possible that these are the images which caused the outrage in the first place.

One can only hope that discerning Muslims seeing such pictures will be able to tell that they are inflammatory fakes.

But what does hope mean when there are plenty of people in the world that we know are mad enough to want to kill the cartoonist, the newspaper, the Danish, the Swedes (for good measure) and anyone remotely connected to the cartoons. Of course, by now there may well be a jihad on me but there are plenty worse things they can nail me for than that.

Debate around religious issues may be forbidden in the Muslim world, but many of us are not, nor wish to be living in the Muslim world. Those Muslims who are living in the West can thankfully buy another newspaper in future. They have that choice you see.

Popularity: 3% [?]