Remember the Global Financial Crisis? Think it is all now a distant memory? Well think again, my friends because we are in for some rocky times up ahead. Rocky, as in Sylvester Stallone raw egg smoothie drinking Rocky. But here’s a tip: good property is good property. No matter how far the economy falls, sipping your pina colada, looking out over the sea from your mansion in the hills is going to be good. As long as you don’t mind the fact that the rum in your pina colada was fermented in a bucket and due to the shortage of fresh fruit and vegetables, has cordial instead of pineapple and milk instead of coconut cream. Breast milk. Which you stole from your own child’s helpless hands.
Yes, things are going to take a turn for the worst I’m afraid. I’d say buy gold, but that was so 2006, at which point you probably would have ridiculed me for being so unhip. Now that gold has almost tripled in price since then, I’ll expect all of your written apologies. Write them on a dollar bill. It’ll be cheaper than the paper it’s printed on soon enough anyway.
Not that I want to alarm you. Look at it this way – you’ve got your house and everything is nice and orderly now. Here’s how you prepare for the turmoil ahead: go to the supermarket and buy a few dozen cans of Spam, baked beans, rice and other shit that doesn’t go bad fast. Now (and this is key) secretly store your supplies away in a place that no-one else knows about. When the food runs out and everyone is going nuts, you’ll have a 400% greater chance of survival. Now that’s just good old fashioned common sense!
Of course, you won’t be able to buy anything because your paper money will be worthless. But just before the invading hoardes arrive and buy up your hungry neighbors’ houses, you can take the opportunity to trade food for their luxury items. Those flat screen TVs and home theater systems will seem like a small price to pay when bartered for some chunky chicken soup in a can and a few handfuls of rice. Trust me, starving people will agree to anything. Just make sure that the food gives them only enough energy to survive, but not enough to come and steal your supplies. Don’t worry, when the Chinese move in they’ll fix up the place and you’ll be able to sell for a song!
Of course, this is the Internet and a post about the rapidly-approaching Apocalypse would not be complete without some kind of conspiracy bullshit thrown in. So here goes. See, everyone is going nuts over how America is bailing everyone out and spreading their money about. But this is actually a secret plot to put the world on the dollar. Hey, the world has to have some kind of world currency one day doesn’t it? Why not just make it the dollar? Slowly, all the other currencies will collapse as the US financial market encourages easy credit so that countries spend and spend themselves into oblivion, like Greece and Spain have been doing. I don’t have to tell you. You know what’s going on.
Mind you, it might just be a case of trimming the budget. You know, like not going out so much, eating in, shining your own shoes, cancelling your subscription to Hot Jugs Monthly. You’re damn right it’s going to be hard. You may have to spend less on electricity too, forcing you to spend time interacting with other people and making human connections as opposed to cyber ones. We’ll all get through it somehow. God knows how.
This stuff makes my head hurt, but it would be remiss of me not to say at least something. I may be wrong. It may just be a light shower. But if I’m right and that financial storm that’s brewing on the horizon unleashes a torrent of hellfire upon us all, don’t even think of trying to find my secret box of Spam. I will be armed.
There will be nothing great about this depression, mark my words. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go and lie down.
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